What's the Point?

I've been playing around with the NPI because I'm concerned about a few things.  I'm concerned because some of my behavior, according to a few of my acquaintances seems narcissistic.  The problem is that when I'm honest in how I feel about the questions, I score consistently between either a 1 or a 4 depending on whether I'm feeling particularly grandiose.  I even lied and garnered a score of 10.

How then, assuming that the NPI has external validity (if I got that right), am I narcissistic?  I just don't get it. I do play up to people's expectations.  I admit that.  Being male one almost has to.  Part of being a leader in any fashion is being thoughtful of the expectations of others and maintaining their opinion.  Doing so ethically is defining one's actions by the consequences for not just oneself but others.  I don't always get to be me, or do what would be best for me.  That's part of life, and a natural part of being a leader.

As an example, I don't get to abuse my authority.  I have to earn it, and keep on earning it day after day.  But at the same time, those who are most likely to term me narcissistic, have more authority, and I do challenge them on particular points where I think they're wrong.  I don't think challenging authority necessarily qualifies one as narcissistic whether or not the DSM defines it as a characteristic of a narcissistic personality.  Where status is concerned, those who seek it are those who abuse it, and I'm well aware of that and I think they are too.

Nevertheless, I do think I haven't been genuinely myself.  Not for a long time.  I refuse to bow to whimsy, or what I consider to be ill-thought conclusions with more harmful consequences.  Thinking about, "how do I fit inside these structures" never seems to happen.  Perhaps those thoughts have already occurred, and yet, to ask a question once and deduce an answer isn't wise.  Knowledge, and wisdom, come from asking the same questions over and over, and sometimes receiving different answers, then testing those answers both mentally and experimentally.

Why am I the only one that seems to see this?  Because of my position, perhaps?  That I have to prove it?  Maybe.  Those who are identified as ethical are more likely to abuse their authority.  I can't remember the researchers who tested that hypothesis.  I never should have sold my Social Psych text.

So, what's the point of reaching new heights when socialization structures replace my questioning with assurance that I know what I'm doing and stop questioning?  I don't want to be the asshole who makes life more difficult for everyone, including me.  (see productivity experimentation and theory)  But is that who I must become?  A narcissist?  A fool?  A fat bureaucrat sure of his own righteousness?

I think I'll stick to teasing out my own understanding.